Got Wood?

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Should straight men find Condoleezza Rice sexy?  All right, she’s arguably on the dog side of the beauty spectrum.  But her looks don’t cause people to flee in panic, and many women find even ugly men sexy if they’re wealthy or powerful.  So if you’re a straight man, shouldn’t you get wood thinking about Condi sprawled out naked on a bear rug?

This is essentially the question raised by Pete Wells in the May 2006 issue of Details magazine.  Without so much as the benefit of a straw poll, Mr. Wells assumes that the wealth and power of older women like Hillary Clinton, Martha Stewart, and Oprah Winfrey fail to get a rise out of most men.  It’s an odd non-argument, appearing in a magazine brimming with fashion photos of hunky shirtless guys.  One might assume the magazine’s readers would rather be thinking about something else.

Like all mortals, we gay philosophers experience the power of sexual attraction.  Yet despite all our warnings about the unexamined life, we seldom think about sex—in a philosophical way, I mean.  These are, after all, very, very hard questions.

1.  If women are from Venus and men are from Mars, where is Eugene Levy from?

2.  Why is it, if men raised in the Judeo-Christian tradition care so much for sex, that it’s missing from their descriptions of heaven?

3.  Eros, agape, philia.  Is there a fourth kind of love that makes it possible to find Madeleine Albright attractive?

Comments

[ahfukit]

Old powerful women wear entirely too much anti-perspirant (a notorious cock-block.)

[ahfukit]

(a-p is not insecticide, exactly, but it may as well be, for our purposes here)

[ahfukit]

Madeleine looking good. (Did they choose their orientations toward evil, or were they assigned?)

[Enrique the Gay Philosopher]

OK, which one's Madeleine?

[ahfukit]

The one in profile?

[Enrique the Gay Philosopher]

Now I'm thinking it was shallow of me to comment on Madeleine's looks. It was, but the truth is I don't really care about her looks. It was Shaw, through the character of Jack Tanner in Man and Superman, who said, 'One beautiful body is worth more than the brains of ten flatulent philosophers.' I can see his point, but because I'm a philosopher, I feel that moral qualities should at times trump physical qualities.

They do. At times.

[ahfukit]

Needed a jump start. But we are old guys in a shopping center with jumper cables. My pal sez, "Boy I'd like to fuck her," but he's talking about the nearest prospect, a couple of 17 yoa's a few cars down. They are laughing and checking their appearance against the cultural template, crowding their big faces, chests and chins into the rear view mirror, apparently satisfied with the results. I said, "Oh, shit, that is useless, nothing good can come of that." But they were there, and my friend was completely out of his mind, so he approached them for a jump; the driver said yes. How often have you been held in major contempt, like, right to your face? Has it been many times, a few times, none? It is a big problem for the contemptible. We are buy and large, sensitive. So my buddy, Hard-On took the lead, and I readied the cables. He did a passable job of presenting our plight and the driver babe agreed to pull her late model jeep up to our old piece of shit van. Her friend, passenger babe, was completely miffed that driver babe had agreed to help out a couple of old farts driving a fart ridden panel van. She sat in the jeep and steamed with malevolent pique as the jump start was effected. As we turned to leave, each of us old guys thanked the closest babe, my friend the driver babe, myself the passenger babe, neither of them acknowledged our thanks for their act of simple kindness. It seemed as thought they had been contaminated or otherwise shamed by their short contact with us. Who had seen them? What status penalty points would be decucted? How would it affect their vehicle lease or their overall credit score. Fuck and call a cop. Life is getting weirder and weirder these days. Leave the walking templates alone. They are life-sucking salad forks trying to turn you, over.

[Enrique the Gay Philosopher]

Love the templates and the salad forks. Salad forks feel to me like ritual objects that polite people must display and wave about before permitting themselves to satisfy the most basic of human needs. A larger fork will do -- or no fork at all.

And I too feel the scorn. My hair, my skin, and my teeth constantly betray me.

[ahfukit]

Sad to say, but I liked ol' Hard-On better before his new meds kicked in. His misplaced randiness is more debilitating than a big fat slobbering heart (the thing he's taking meds for.)