Rachel's Guide to Commenting on Blog Posts

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No. of Martinis	Commenting Strategy/Tactics
1	Read the post carefully. Try to get a feel for the values, beliefs, and desires of the author. Assume the best about the author: he, like you, is trying to find his way in the world. Leave a comment that respects his intentions but extends the discussion in some interesting way.
2	Skim the post. Wonder why the author is indulging himself by taking so long to get to his main point. Entertain the suspicion that if you met him face to face, it wouldn’t be a completely pleasant experience. Leave a comment that gives the author a snap of the towel on his partially exposed conceptual buttocks.
3	Try to hold one or two key words from the author’s post in your quickly dissolving consciousness. Does he care? Does the fucker really care what you say about his barely comprehensible screed? You don’t, why should he? The stupid fucker is quoting fucking Husserl for chrissakes. Fuck him. Write something that subverts the author’s intended meaning. Laugh out loud at your funny comment and pour yourself another drink.
4	Ignore the post completely. Try to focus on the stupid shithead thing you’re writing. What is it? You don’t even know, you stupid fuck. Wha wha wha. b b b …
5

Comments

[J. Alva Scruggs]

Very useful, Rachel. You should be presenting this, and things like it, at those blog conferences.

[ahfukit]

Maybe LDoaGC management should consider giving commenters feedback points (anyone who feeds deserves to be fed back.)

Extend the martini motif. Commenters get 1 to 5 martini points for each post and the magic blog scoring device computes their running average.

People who like golf will go for low scores. People who like roundball will go for high. Mean people will try to nail a perfect 2.5

Martini icons next to commenters names will certainly inspire more confidence, suspicion and disgust. Whatever the outcome, I'm all for it.

[J. Alva Scruggs]

ahfukit, your ecumenism is inspiring. Few among us could consider the differing needs of a variety of commenters and arrive at such an equitable outcome.

[nexist]

Those must be small martinis, Rachel, if you're still sitting in front of your computer after five of them. Holee shit.

[Felix del Campo]

I've known Rache for a long time, so I'm guessing that after five martinis she's on a Will Smith fan site, typing word salad into her keyboard and praying that it'll come up on the screen as a moving billet doux.

[ahfukit]

Thank you, Scruggs, you're an aquifer and a gentleman (from your like many things spring forth.)

[et alia]

Any more snark from you, little snup snup, and I won't build your et aliamobile but keep your deposit. Think I can't do it? Look at the contract you signed, sweetie.

[ahfukit]

(I believe Rachel attends 48hr exotic yoga sessions on Tue/Wed, so I will provide provisional interaction to the et alia'n pending her return)

Is snup a contraction of sn(atchyou)up? Like when someone is too adorable to resist/for words?

snup snup. snup snup snup. snup snup. snup. all fair of soul are spirited away. all deemed lovely snatched. snup snup. snup snup snup. snup snup. snup. essen notten ooppen patten. snup.

[Felix del Campo]

Thanks, ahfukit. Rachel is indeed tied up at her Hot Nude Yoga sessions.

BTW, I don't think the little broom-riding snup snup will cotton to anything as retro sounding as an "et aliamobile." Can't you call it an "S-Class Z86"? Even Rachel's last common ancestor with a chimpanzee wouldn't be caught dead wearing her Pradas in an et aliamobile. Snup snup.

[et alia]

No? Then why was she whining chez moi earlier this month:

I need an SUV, you fuckers. Regular cars mess up my hair.

Regarding the etymology of “snup snup,” please refer to this dinner table conversation recorded and reported by Mr. J. Alva Scruggs.

[Felix del Campo]

Tuesday's her horse tranquilizer night. I'll bet she was "recalling" her joyride in a stretch Humvee with Jimmy Buffett and Rick James. We're all so over that story here at LDGC.

[ahfukit]

1) my precious stubborn clay

2) spirited whisked

3) little snup snup sez: i prefer my misapprehension.

[Felix del Campo]

my precious stubborn clay

Lovely.

[et alia]

If Rachel was too wacked out on her, uh, medicine to realize what she was doing, I'll happily refund her money.

In the spirit of Rachel's lucidity, I'd like to add these possibilities:

Half a martini: Agree with the author and add a comment praising her insight, brievity, and prose style.

A martini and a half: Read the post, but with a raised eyebrow. Is what the author saying new or true? It seems that what's new in the post isn't true, and what's true in the post isn't new. Still she seems like she might be a fun gal to hang with; aren't misguided and garrulous people the life of the party, anyway?

Two and a half martinis: Oh, this bitch isn't just wrong, she's EVIL! It's hard to focus on her overall thesis, but the turns of phrase and references (Heidegger? Schmitt? FASCISM!) betray her nefarious intent. Bitch knows the implications of what she's getting at; leave some bit of subtle snark. She'll know you see through her—if she's not a phony, that is, and these days there are so many of them.

Three and a half martinis: Ch-arst, where's my drink? I don't wanna read this thing any more, let alone write a reply. WTF? Bitch is so twisted she made me forget where I put my glass...

[ahfukit]

My objection to this extension, mr. alia, is that it makes it entirely too easy for mean people to nail a perfect 2.5. Shouldn't the mean be dangled like a papier mache carrot from the end of a stick?

[et alia]

I think that's a strength, ahfukit. With the scale so extended, actual comments to blog posts now fall along a nice normal distribution curve (although μ = 2.5, not μ = 0, but otherwise....)

Of course, this raises a question about martini drinking—it's unlikely that most commenters have imbibed two and a half martinis. Does this mean that martini drinking is correlated with some other factor among commenters at large such that 2.5 martinis approximates the mean/medium/mode of the larger population? Or is martini drinking in fact irrelevant to how people comment, and 2.5 martinis is average level of inebriation at which people make their comments?

These are questions that can't be answered by the introspective methods of philosophy, sir. We need empirical research and statistical analysis. I expect some demographer will apply for a grant any day now...

[Rachel Tension]

Shit, my vagina was all stretched out and relaxed. Now I'm getting tight from math anxiety, plus the Happy Tutor sounds like he's winding up for some Dan Ratheresque sign-off and the captain of Geek Patrol is asking all the wrong questions all over the fucking Blogosphere.

Fucking snup-snups.

You know what, Mr. alia? You don't like my snark but I read that lump of capital post of yours and I didn't understand a fucking word of it. All I remember is that you were out of cigarettes. What are you? The London Fucking School of Economics?

God I miss Jessica's martinis. Why am I fucking blogging when I can be balling some hot patent office clerk? Why do I so unselfishly give of myself to others?

[J. Alva Scruggs]

Rachel, it's cold, calculated self-interest that keeps you contributing. There's a good chance the snup-snups will see the light some day and finally behave the way they're supposed to. I talked et alia into making a behemoth SUV. Surely that shows there's hope?

[Rachel Tension]

As long as it has a Wealth Bondage scene room where I can three-way with Sister Lucy and Dr. Chadwallah.

[et alia]

...my vagina was all stretched out and relaxed. Now I'm getting tight from math anxiety...

See? It's working already.

[ahfukit]

I propose setting up a stand at my local farmers' market to sell 2.5 Martini Sack Lunches. A camera hidden in my navel will record every transaction (licit and otherwise.)

Vendor: naked and erect (meditating cross-legged on loose vagina.)

Sacks: opaque and light (who shall quiver, who merely shake?)

Overhead, a banner: Abandon hope all ye who dicker here.

There will be profits, and loss. Do I get the grant?